Helping Your Client Considering Adoption
Emily Rosen LCSW
What do you do when your client tells you that they want to adopt? For some clinicians, the answer is, “panic." The next and real answer is, “get curious.” You want to ask a lot of questions. You don’t have to know the answers, you just have to be willing to be curious.
Start with, “What is important to you about starting a family now?” “Are you interested in getting pregnant or learning about adoption and surrogacy?” Help your client become clear about their intentions. Some people want a baby and they’ve tried to get pregnant for a number of months or years and they’re wedded to the idea of having a baby that shares their DNA. Some people are not interested having a child, biologically or via surrogacy because they feel uncomfortable with medical interventions. Other people just want to be a parent. Rarely do people come to adoption as a first choice so helping your client tease out what is important to them, is a great place to start. Remember, you don’t have to know the answers, you just have to remain curious.
“Talking to others who are going through or have gone through similar challenges, helps people make big decisions. ”
Here’s a good place to begin the conversation: Ask your client if they’ve researched chat groups related to infertility such as, https://resolve.org or, if your client is a single woman, there’s Single Mothers by Choice. Next, ask them what it means to them, right now, to consider being an adoptive parent. Ask them if they know anyone adopted, Ask them what they know about adoption. Ask them to check into their bodies and notice what feelings arrive when biological parenting is discussed. Or how it feels when surrogacy is discussed. How about adoption?
Talking to others who are going through or have gone through similar challenges, helps people make big decisions. As therapists, we cannot know the answers to every situation. Even when we think we have the answer to a specific question, it’s not our job to always share the answer. Our main job, as I see it, is to acknowledge our clients’ fears and concerns in a safe environment.
If your client wants to know more about adoption, point them in the direction of adoption consultants, adoption lawyers or even adoption agencies. There isn’t list of adoption consultants that are unaffiliated with agencies or attorneys, these people are generally found via word of mouth or by going to Google.
The way to find a licensed adoption attorney is by word of mouth or by going to The American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. This site is now affiliated with The American Academy of Assisted Reproductive Technology Attorneys because when a person uses a surrogate, an attorney has to legalize one or both of the parents (more on that in another article).
Your client can find licensed and accredited adoption agencies on line or again, by asking around. Speaking with people who have had direct experience with an agency, attorney or consultant, it’s often more productive than finding that information on line.
Whether I’m doing talk therapy or acting as an adoption consultant, my clients have found that learning how to use their gut, is invaluable. In Gestalt Therapy, we ask people to tap into their bodies as (re)learn what they’re feeling.
You can support your client by teaching them how to tap into that gut feeling when they’re speaking with consultants, agencies and/or attorneys. If they feel uncomfortable or something doesn’t feel right, move on to the next. If, on the other hand, they feel safe and supported, they’ve probably found the best adoption expert for them. It’s probably why they’re working with you.