Uncovering and Transforming Shame

Chris Panzica LCSW

Transforming Shame 

As I prepare to lead a workshop on shame, I have been reflecting on what makes shame so difficult and painful to experience and address. In my work with clients, I have found that one’s ability to cope with shame is often impeded by a lack of awareness that one is not only experiencing shame, but also actively perpetuating the experience.  

What is shame?

Brené Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection”. 

“Seeing one’s self as worthless will be accompanied by an unpleasant affective feeling state and often a reticence to seek support or to allow one’s self to receive support that is needed.  ”

Perpetuating Shame

Frequently, I will hear a client say, “I feel worthless” or “not good enough”. When a client makes a statement like this, I become interested in their felt experience, and I attempt to clarify with them how they have arrived at such a conclusion. Often the individual will realize that they are an active participant of a shaming process. Working with clients to unpack “I feel worthless”, we often discover that they are actually labeling themselves in a harmful way for something they have done, for experiencing something painful, or for not being able to achieve or get something they want. Seeing one’s self as worthless will be accompanied by an unpleasant affective feeling state and often a reticence to seek support or to allow one’s self to receive support that is needed.  

Why We Shame Ourselves

Becoming aware that one is shaming one’s self may lead to more self-blame if one does not consider the motivation behind the habit. Often, we shame ourselves as we were previously shamed by others with the intention of making changes or improving ourselves in some way. Moreover, as children it is often safer to blame ourselves for our parents’ limitations or failings than to blame those we depend on for our very survival. Once we develop this habit in childhood, it may be difficult to break, especially if we are unaware of what we are doing. Unfortunately, viewing ourselves so critically is often just what stands in the way of us achieving what we want. 

Transforming Shame

Realizing that we are actively participating in a shaming process can provide us with the agency to choose to do something different. Having compassion for ourselves for not having other resources to cope with disappointment or the pain of isolation can be a first step toward transforming the experience of shame. With more awareness that we are criticizing or attacking ourselves, we may begin to consider how we might be with ourselves in other ways. We can imagine how we would feel if someone else were speaking to us in the critical, judgmental manner that we often speak to ourselves. Many of us would not stand for it. Conversely, it can be helpful to imagine how we would speak to a disappointed, upset child, asking what is wrong or what is needed.

So I invite you to be mindful of just how you are treating yourself when you are facing pain, difficulty, or suffering. Are you attacking yourself or telling yourself you are unworthy? 

Are you allowing yourself to receive support from others? If you consider that as an adult, you are a parent to yourself, begin to consider what kind of a parent you would like to be for yourself. As adults, after all, we are the ones who get to decide. What might it be like to be a loving presence to yourself rather than a shaming one when you are most disappointed or suffering and feeling alone or isolated?