Why is it so Hard to Change?
Chris Panzica LCSW
How We Get in the Way of Change?
The decision to enter therapy is often accompanied by a desire to change one’s self in some way. While it is logical to seek change when we realize that we are engaging in counterproductive behaviors or habits, how we approach changing is often just what gets in the way of achieving what we want. This is because the wish to change often involves rejecting some part of ourselves, which actually makes the process more difficult. Despite a desire for some new outcome, we find ourselves stuck and unable to be different in some way that we know is causing distress.
“Making a Change is Difficult.
Seeing parts of ourselves as problematic interferes with the process of change in that it makes it more difficult for us to become aware of what drives us to act as we do.”
How Can Trying to Change Lead to Feeling Stuck?
Frequently, the wish to change ourselves is characterized by a rejecting stance and seeing parts of ourselves as problematic. This may be subtle rather than overt, but repudiating some part of one’s self can not only damage one’s self-esteem, it also impairs our ability to see ourselves as capable, competent, and possessing sufficient agency to act in the world. One may come to doubt their ability to influence how their life unfolds. Perhaps even more importantly, seeing parts of ourselves as problematic interferes with the process of change in that it makes it more difficult for us to become aware of what drives us to act as we do. What may be obscured by self-criticism and self-rejection are the constellation of factors and motivations that direct our behavior.
How then can we approach change?
We actually put ourselves in the best position to change when we accept ourselves as we are with openness and curiosity. Acceptance does not mean that we limit ourselves or continue to do what we have always done. Rather, we consider that we have done the best we can based on aspects of our lives that have been in our control as well as beyond our control, and we remain free to choose to act in new ways or to try on other ways of being. Curiosity is essential because it helps us better understand our underlying feelings and needs that have influenced our behavior. When we have more awareness and clarity, we are better equipped to make different choices to meet those needs.
If this resonates with you and you find yourself stuck or unable to change in a way that you have desired, you can begin to notice the relationship you have with whatever part of you that you want to change. Do you see that part as unacceptable? Can you consider how being as you are now is your best attempt so far to have the life you most want? Can you invite in curiosity about what need you are already meeting or attempting to meet based on the life you are already creating?